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Bank Story Page 1

Posted by LuciousClump - April 11th, 2009


Hello, well this is page one of my story critique would be appreciated

Note that this is still a rough draft so it's not perfected (grammar-wise)

___________

There he stood outside of the most prestigious bank.
In recent years this bank had become quite popular for 3 things.
Prostitution.
Drugs.
Gambling.
He however was not here for any of those reason.
He was there for the fourth most popular thing.
Banking.
This building contained 101 floors.
They of course claim differently , not counting the 13th floor (bad luck I guess).
But who are we kidding the people on the 14th floor know which floor they're really on.
Floors 1-33 belong to the gambling crowd , quite a smelly lot they are.
Floors 34-66 belong to Drugs. You can buy anything from weed to topsy.
In my personal opinion topsy is the worst drug of them all.
Topsy has two adverse reaction first it reverses the effect of any drug you've taken in the
Past 23 hours 57 minutes .
I often wondered why the drug stopped there.
Had it decided upon it's arrival at the fifty-seventh minute of the twenty-third hour , that
It had had enough of it's own bullshit ?
The second effect of this horrendous drug is that you lose all motor skills and feeling on
The left side of your body.
I'd taken this drug twice, the first time was quite a surprise because I had just smoked a
joint ,I found myself with an amazing amount of energy , so I decided to take a jog , but
with the feeling in my left side gone it didn't work out in my favor. I swerved in and
out of oncoming traffic , it was horrible.
The second time I took this drug was the next day.
I wanted to see the effect it would have exlax ,I haven't pooped since .
After all the drugs you get to the interesting floors.
Floors 67-99 are actually slightly more organized then the other floors.
This is the prostitution section.
Everything is divided as so
Floors 67-70 Asian
Floors 71-74 Exotic
Floors 75-79 Halfy's
Floors 80-83 Huskies
Floors 84-89 Three-ways
Floors 90-92 American
Floors 93-99 Fetishes
Each district has a club ,and I'm proud to say I am or have been a member of every single
Group/Club in the building at one time or another.
And the reason I've come to this God awful place.
Floor 100 Banking ßwho are they kidding?
Banking is a long dead-trade in my time , with the legalization of drugs every pays
cash now.
This is one of the last remaining banks on Earth.
And I've come here for business.
I make my way to the receptionist , a nice old named Paty .
She's been working here for too long , way too long.
I hand her my card.
She swipes it.
I put the password in.
We wait in silence.
It's confirmed
She opens a drawer , and hands me a small box.
This box belongs to my client , a Miss Dorothy Norris
______________

Well that's it for now.
Any comments?


Comments

Interesting style and set up, really cool premise too! A little rushed through though, you didn't spend enough time on really describing and capsulizing the place and time, but considering this is only a rough draft, I won't be so harsh. Keep this up, I am quite interested!

I think you got a good thing going here. But you seem to have lost the matter-of-fact tone after you start talking about the narrator's experience with drugs, but pick it up again after you start talking about meeting the receptionist. Just try to keep your sentences as short and choppy as possible. A few expamples of sentences to change:

: Topsy has two adverse reaction first it reverses the effect of any drug you've taken in the
: Past 23 hours 57 minutes.

Besides the fact that it is cut in the wrong place, cut it off after "reaction"

:Had it decided upon it's arrival at the fifty-seventh minute of the twenty-third hour , that
: It had had enough of it's own bullshit ?

Get rid of that. To keep with that matter-of-fact style, get rid of rhetorical questions and personal insights. just leave it as "I often wondered why the drug stopped there."

: Banking is a long dead-trade in my time , with the legalization of drugs every pays
: cash now.

Make that 2 sentences. The first being "Banking is a long dead trade", and the second being "Now that drugs are legal, everyone pays cash now". Which, in retrospect, doesn't make much sense, since if drugs are legal, they should be able to accept credit cards and checks.